Saturday, December 27, 2014

Two Precious & Priceless Diamonds.

Have you ever wonder what would happen to you, or to be more specific, to your life without your parents?! -- I think about it way too often lately.

I followed my parents to my paternal grandmother's house yesterday.

I looked at her whom covered her face with a piece of cloth. I went speechless. I stared at her with a mixed feelings, -- Sympathy, sad, scared, nervous. Since we arrived, she never got up from bed. She even eats her foods in lying position. I tried to control my emotions. I tried not to cry.

I was helping my mom with the dishes when I saw her kept pressing the television's remote control to the channel 111. "Wan, what channel do you want to watch? Let me help you with it." I asked her. She glanced at me then to the television. I repeated the same question, this time I raise my voice. She told me to increase the television's volume. I did as what she asked and turned to channel 105 since a P. Ramlee movie was on screen back then.

 Dad loves P. Ramlee, Wan must love it too! 

Long story short. Wan is old, weak enough to do things on her own. She could not balance her body when she stands, could hardly walk herself to the toilet. She has lost all her teeth, result in difficulties for her to chew foods every time she eats. In addition, she could scarcely hear what her children and grandchildren wants to say. Even more worse, she spent the whole day and night lying on bed!

Looking at her face, realizing how hard it is for her to survive life with her current condition made me felt like crying my heart out. I was imagining myself in her shoes. -- ...and it hits me. God, what will happen to me when I get older?! Will I have loving husband and children who will always stay by my side even how bad my condition is?!

Both my parents helped her to stand, but it went in vain. She could not keep her body balance when she was standing. She ended up peeing in a pail.

Mama came out of the room and I went to sit next to her. Suddenly tears streaming down my face. Told you, I have a very very very sensitive feelings. Even a small matter could make me cry! Such a cry baby, I am but whatever. I love crying. I feel relieved every time I finished crying. Anyway, back to the story, I hold Mama's hands and kissed them while asking for forgiveness from her, especially for being the black sheep among my siblings.



On the way home, I just could not stop thinking about my parents. Looking at them healthy and happy made me wanted to cry even more! I just could not stop being so grateful for having both of them in my life. Thank be to Allah, for everything He has given me. Exactly everything! Especially, for Mama and Abah. 

Mama, -- Great mother and a devoted wife! She is, I don't know how to put it in words, but she is so amazing in my eyes. She inspired me in so many ways! I love to see how she handled conflicts patiently. I love to see how she smiled and laughed even though she was really tired. She was really a supportive mother. I remember receiving cute notes which I still keep till today, of her wishing me good luck for every important exam I was going to sit for. 

Oh, and her current job of course. She was really busy this year. Going here and there. Attending this and that but she still has time to spend with us. Ma, you really making me into Accounts.

She deserves the best out of the best, I swear.

Abah, -- God. How should I start this one?! I owe you a lot! Like, seriously A LOT! You are my teacher! You taught me so many things that I did not know about life

"You need to socialize with people if you want to success in your life."

"It is very hard to deal with people, do you know that?"

I know. I know. I am the hardest one to handle. The blackest sheep among the others. Laughs. But I swear I will never forget each and every advises you have given me. I keep them in my heart. 

It would take forever for me to write every single thing you have done for me. They are uncountable. All I can say is Much Obliged for everything, Abah. Every single thing. Especially for the knowledge you have given to me as well as the experiences you have shared. I will remember them wherever I go. Insha Allah.

Without both these people, I would not be here, writing this. I would not be here, breathing. I would not be here to feel different emotions that life has to offer. I owe them a lot. Sumpah banyak wei!  I don't know if I could ever pay for every good deeds they have done for me because there are just A LOT.

I wonder how my future would be without them. 

Pernah jugalah, terfikir, what if one day I get chicken pox and my parents aren't not with me?! To spice things up, they are far away from me like, they are at Selangor while I stuck at Perak?! Siapa nak sapu ubat dekat belakang badan itu semua?! I have to do it on my own?! What?! Seriously?! Don't want. T.T 

I ate medicine pun, with Abah besides me okay. Apparently because I don't like eating medicines. Never. Since I was a baby. Eating a medicine is like a nightmare to me. Serious talk. 

It is not because I was pampered or what, but, -- God, it's about your parents here. I have been living with them for 17 years! Enduring life without them beside me would just kill me. But I know, that is life right? You can't avoid it. One day, someway, somehow, I will get used to it. Maybe.

One fine day, I would want to take care of them myself. Smile. I remember someone told me to love my parents even after what they have done to us.

"Dia marah kita ke. Dia jerit pada kita ke. Diam. Jangan melawan. Sebab dia ibu kita. Sebab dia ayah kita." 

Tell you what, if you want to compare things they have done for you, just to make you feel happy and safe, it would be thousand times more than all the scolding and nagging so yeah, for once, appreciate your parents. Not everyone has parents. Now, you have them, appreciate them before they go. You know what I mean.

This is a lesson for me so that I would not treat my parents for granted. They have sacrified a lot for me and my sibling in so many ways, -- Love, time, energy, money, you named it! It would never be fair for them to be treated badly by their children.

Lots of Love, Nurzafira Sabrina.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

maybe, it's me

"I don't know what's wrong with me.
Sometimes, I wish I could vanish into thin air.
Sometimes I demand not to be left all alone.
Sometimes, I wish I didn't know/meet certain people in my life but,
I often find myself hanging without their presence around.
I find myself seeking so much for their attention.

"I need someone to guide me."  I said to myself but then, I find myself drowning.
No one is there to help.

There are times when I want to do everything on my own,
But I find myself crouched in the middle of the journey.
I lose the battles.
I lose to myself.

Maybe it's me.
The problem is me.

It's me whom demand a lot when Allah The Almighty said, "Na-ah Zafira. It's not your time yet.""

Lots of Love, Nurzafira Sabrina.