Final year got me thinking about a lot of stuffs. Especially my future. What would happen after I graduate? Where will I be in 5 years? Will law still be my passion (wait, is it even my passion now?). Jokes aside. Final year made me overthink! At 10.00 a.m. today, I just finished my Advocacy trials. This was my first time representing the plaintiff as the lead counsel. I volunteered myself. I wanted to feel what it is to answer to a judge. Because all this while, I was just avoiding myself from this huge responsibility.
Of course, many things happened this semester which caught me thinking about my performance, my insecurities, my capabilities as a law student. I always felt like I wasn't enough. I wasn't as excellence as the other students. I didn't shine as bright as other students in this faculty. Often, I question if reading law is really what I've always wanted to do. It's scary once I'm consumed with such thoughts. But then again, it always bothered me. Always.
Today, when the judge commented on my performance on the re-examination; once again I was slapped with a pang of disappointment. I spent all night trying to construct 'wise' questions. All I want is some compliment from the judge evaluating me. But today, all I received was comments on how I overdo the re-examination of plaintiff witness. I feel down. But this time, I am aware that I couldn't seek reassurance from my cliques. I tried but they were busy. They have their own business to mind. So I was left alone. Here. Right now. Writing this.
I know I couldn't depend on people forever to reassure me, but their words of encouragement and their mere presence, calm me from these horrendous thoughts I've on myself. Talking, sharing thoughts made me calm. But then again, at this peak of time, no one is able to spare some of their time for you.
Anyways, even after I've let go of my commitments, my drafting's individual assignment was still below average, I still didn't study hard enough to understand the concept for power of PP that I failed the test last week. God knows, what else I've failed to do. The exam hasn't even started yet, but the thoughts of results scare me. Am I that bad as a law student?
If I tell anyone at all what I've written here; people will tell me that this is a learning process. I have so much to learn and I shouldn't stop just because someone criticize my work. The lecturer do that to help us improve. And for as long as I am a student, there will be a lot of room for improvement. NOTED THANK YOU.
It's just one of the days I question my "worthiness"as a law student. I want to do my Chambering at a well-known, established law firms too. But I'm afraid my performance wasn't up to their level. Here I am, doing everything at the very bare minimum. I've to stop writing now. My time's up. I've to attend CP tutorial.
Till next time!